dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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