I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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