he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
