Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
