dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
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you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
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We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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