You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
did i walk over a car last night?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
