she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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