you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
