my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
