I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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