That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
