FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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