brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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