Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
