i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
