I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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