Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
