FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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