I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
