My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
