Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
