If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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