Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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