Yo dont text me then not text me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
