I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I need moral support for this bender
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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