last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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