she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
