I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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