My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
