Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
