guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
