I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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