my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
