If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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