alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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