i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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