I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
