Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
