ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
