Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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