I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
