He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
