my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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