Swine flu is the new snow day.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
