Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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Just invented taco cereal.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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