Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
