Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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