I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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