I'm gonna have a badass scar
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
