So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
