I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
