i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
