Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
