Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
