i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
