My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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